On a serious note

Some of you reading this know me in real life, some don't. What probably 99% of you don't know is that I'm dealing with infertility right now due to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). As of today, right now, I'm done hiding it, keeping it inside, and being embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe I'll regret posting this tomorrow, but I doubt it. Talking gets me through my problems.

It all started in September 2006. I had to stop taking birth control pills because of serious and out of control migraines. The migraines actually stopped, which has been absolutely wonderful. But other things didn't get back to normal. After a few doctor visits, I found out I have PCOS. It's the leading cause of infertility in women. 1 in 10 have it, many don't know. Doctors aren't sure what causes it. My ovaries were covered with cysts on the ultrasound. My bloodwork came back all out of whack. I found out it could be very difficult to get pregnant and if I did, miscarriage was a high risk. I'm now at increased/high risk for diabetes and heart disease (which I'm already highly at risk at due to family history). We always planned on having children, but now the plan got moved up a few years. If it'd be difficult at 24, imagine how difficult it'd be even 3-4 years from now.

So in April I started taking fertility medications. Some say the medication could "make a rock pregnant." Well, not me. It couldn't even make me ovulate, which is essential in getting pregnant. The doctors started discussing injectibles. I had a panic attack in the office watching a video on how to give them to yourself. Right now we're on our last round of medication before we stop. Injectibles are not in my future, neither is IVF; I've had a gut feeling for a long time that nothing will work. If this doesn't work, we're done. It hasn't been an easy decision, probably the hardest in either of our lives. But that's where we stand today.

What lies ahead for us? Well, learning to accept our decision is definitely one thing. Logically we're both ok with it. Most days I'm fine. Some days, though, it's impossible to not cry. When I got the news that it didn't work last month I let myself cry for two days then told myself that was it. I won't deny my emotions, but I can't let them take over my life either. We will make great parents and there are other ways to become parents. That means adoption. Maybe it was a sign, but DH starts a new job on Monday. One of their benefits: adoption assistance after 1 year of employment. Unless a miracle happens between now and then, we will be taking advantage of it to the fullest. Looking to the future makes us both very excited. A light at the end of the tunnel makes this so much easier to deal with.

I've learned so many things through this. 1) My family is the most important thing in the world. Without my husband, parents, sister, grandmother, and aunts I wouldn't have made it through this relatively unscathed. I should mention friends here as well. Even if they don't know what to say at times, just listening helps so much. 2) Even though I feel so alone in this sometimes, there are thousands of women feeling the same thing I am right now. This doesn't have to be taboo. Granted, it won't be brought up in all casual conversations, but it's ok to say it outloud to someone. 3) This may be most important-I AM STRONG AND WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. Infertility will not define me as a person. Period.